Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Rockometer (Or, The Hideously Ill-Conceived Disgrace on the Lake)

And so it has come to my attention, courtesy of the weekly e-newsletter from Cool Cleveland, the newest and most brazenly obscene monument to blind consumerism and lack of spirit for the common good: The Rockometer. This monstrosity looks like a cross between a second-rate Atlantic City casino and the MySpace page of a 15 year old. Doubt me? See below:

What is it, you ask? Well, according to Christopher Axelrod, the Bratenahl native and creative mind behind the project, it will be:

"A rockometer is a retro measuring devise or pulse meter, which indicates the “spirit” or civic “heartbeat” of the City of Cleveland. The actual meter, situated at the crown of the fa├žade on The Rockometer building will be enhanced by three, jumbo outdoor video screens directly underneath, which will indicate a visual explanation as to why the meter is pointing to low, medium or high (i.e. The Cleveland Browns won a game on Sunday giving the meter a high rating). This “social seismograph” will never be utilized as a commercial or advertising element, and all programming of content will be created in- house by the staff marketing team."
(Source: note, there's a very good reason that until now, that domain name was not taken).

So, not only will this thing top out at -14 on the "pulse meter" during the first week in February, further inciting depression from the local population already deficient in sunlight and up to their waists in dirty snow, but it will also provide an explanation; as in, 'well, we're poor, cold, and unhappy with our jobs (or lack thereof)'.

But oh, it gets better.

"When you hear the popular phrase “Party like a rock star” in the national media, one tends to think of tony destinations, glittering venues, and dazzling celebrations. All of these perceptions will apply to Cleveland when The Rockometer building is completed, creating the largest and most elaborate 2,000 seat banquet, special events and party center east of Las Vegas."

So, just as Cleveland (might) finally get the long promised (and possibly not worth it) brand new convention center, this schmuck is promoting the exact same thing, only taking up what should be public access lakefront space and turning it into a carnival sideshow.

Just in case you missed it the first time: